survivors guilt

Survivors Guilt. It's real. From time to time I struggle with it. I looked through my photos just now to see if I snapped a picture one day in October of last year. I didn't, so I'll just have to describe it to you. Tessa and I went to Gardner Village (in Salt Lake, I think) with my sister and her two boys to see the witches on display. Funny, funny witches. Now Tessa loves her cousins, all of them. She wanted to hold onto the stroller to "help" Aunt Sarah push Baby L. Being even more helpful, she took the hand of her preschool-aged cousin E. From behind this scene I could barely keep my composure. Sarah. A little girl. Two little boys. That little girl should have, in my mind, been her Lucy. But it wasn't. Why did I get to have three healthy girls and then one sick one who survived just fine when Sarah had only one sick daughter who did not live to see a first Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year or birthday? There really isn't any way I'll ever understand. It isn't fair.

You can read Sarah's point of view on a similar line of thinking on her blog but from another perspective. And, if you can, please donate to Lucy's tree. It's an amazing chance to give to sick children and their families.

some crafty content to come soon. I crocheted a little duck who seems to have waddled off & I'm also working on a turtle. I haven't had a lot of time for crafts because I recently started school. I figured I'd give being a grown-up a try for a change.

a dragonfly

One day late in June we came back home from being somewhere I don't recall. I noticed on a flower in the window box one of the largest, most beautiful dragonflies I'd ever seen. I assigned Doug the duty of keeping an eye on it while I ran in the house to fetch my camera. To my relief, the creature remained in place during my absence. I started taking pictures, and got some pretty nice ones, I thought. But then I realized there was no movement at all from the lovely dragonfly. I hoped he was sleeping even though I knew that not to be the case.

My Tessa has been having a particularly difficult time lately, reprocessing the death of her cousin, Lucy. The other day she told me she wants to go up to heaven, get Lucy and bring her back.

Sarah, my sister & Lucy's mother, has posted another blog entry about her girl. If at all possible, please donate to Lucy's tree. All of the money, every penny, goes to help children and their families at Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City, Ut.

a playdate with lucy

Remembering Lucy five years after she passed away, Tessa and I took some items to donate to, what Tess calls, "My hospital." (Tessa was sick after her birth with the Group B Strep virus and spent a week in a NICU about 50 miles from the hospital where her cousin, Lucy, would live and die the following year.) Here are some pictures of our afternoon:

Tess, walking in the front doors swinging the bag of

knitted and crocheted bereavement items.

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she was amazed to see the doors open automatically

(you'd think the girl'd never been to a grocery store!)

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after dropping off our donation,

we headed to the cafeteria to get an ice cream cone.

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though she had trouble deciding between rainbow sherbet

or cookies n cream, she finally chose the latter.

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I had her pose in front of the pond where I ate lunch

nearly every day she was a patient at McKay-Dee.

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Mmmm! That was good!

you can read about Lucy on A Tree For Lucy. You can also donate to an amazing cause, helping sick children and their families (read about it here).

Lucy

(lucy's blog)

A single name. Two syllables. Those four letters stir such emotion within me. This blog, in fact, has it's name because of her. She was known as our ladybug. Being clever, I thought to call this blog "antknit" because I am the aunt of a little Ladybug (it was particularly amusing at 1 a.m. when I thought of it).

Lucy is the person I miss most in life. Lucy is the person we had shortest. Lucy.

My thoughts are kind of ramble-y right now and probably not making a lot of sense. I'll just get to the point, I guess. Each year since our Lucy was with us we've decorated a tree in her honor at the Festival of Trees in Salt Lake City. All proceeds go to help families and children at Primary Children's Hospital. And if you've ever been there, you know how amazing that place is.

This year Lucy's mama (my amazing younger sister) has started a blog dedicated to Lucy's memory. Weekly, she plans to share stories of her firstborn child's life. Personally, I'm very much looking forward to them. Lucy was our "bringer of Light".

Remembering Lucy

for the babies


Lenore's Gown
Michelle's booties

Itty-bitty Buntings


no-pattern crochet blankets
(bottom one is from previous post)


I miss her little face
I miss her small hands
I miss her cute ears
And her tiny bird legs
And her feet
I'll never forget:
I once calmed her down when her parents were busy
Because her mama had showed me how
And once she fell asleep under my hands
And how when she looked at you, it felt like she could see your soul

Sam, Sarah - I will never forget your daughter.

Happy Birthday Lucy

I miss you, baby girl

Angel Wings Bereavement Set

Here is a gown set I have been working on for about a week. I don't think I will include a hat. It seems complete without one. The dress pattern was designed by Mary Glynn for Heavenly Angels in Need. It is the same pattern knitted by Wool Winder. I modified it slightly, using a moss stitch for the skirt as well as five eyelet rows through which I ran a light pink ribbon. I wasn't totally happy with the outcome so I employed my very limited crochet abilities and added a fringey little edge to the bottom of the skirt as well as the edges of the sleeves. I like how it turned out.

I also decided to line the gown with a soft flannel to match the ivory colored yarn. I love the way it feels. I was not pleased with the look of the moss stitch (I felt it was too easy to see through) and the liner solved that problem for me. It also keeps the yarn from curling and so it didn't need blocking!

For the booties I used another slightly modified version of a pattern - this one by Michelle Howard. I love these booties because they knit up very quickly and can easily be changed to suit my whims. The changes I made to this pair include adding an eyelet row for ribbon and shortening the cuff by one row. I left the ribbons long in case they need to be retied.

The angel was designed by Mama Bear.
I realized after I took these photos that I forgot to add her little halo. I may do that later. I may leave it off though as I think she's pretty cute as she is. Her wings were feeling a bit moody when I went to take the picture. They are much better looking in person.

This set will be donated to LucyBug.